Serenity

Hi. My name is Eric, and I’m codependent.

It’s been about seven hours since I went looking for love in all the wrong places, and it’s still really hard for me to keep from shoving this window to the side and checking my email, hoping the girl I gave my email address and phone number to the other day at work will have decided to write and ask about getting a cup of coffee.

This last couple of weeks has been really crazy, and I recognized that even while it was happening, and felt powerless to slow the train down before it headed over a cliff. And there was obviously no changing course. Thankfully, I haven’t lost my job yet, which plays a pretty important role in keeping my life together. But I haven’t been paying as much attention to my kids as I ought. And I’ve been mopey and all depressed and feeling alone constantly.

I guess the biggest lesson to keep in my mind today is understanding the way simple beautiful things can be done wrongly, and become obsessions. I heard a guy mention an addiction to sporting activities. What’s so wrong about a desire to stay fit? I suppose even there, turning it into an obsession can damage and destroy the other healthy parts of your life.

For myself, I’ve been trying to find myself involved in a romance. My heart aches to be with my soulmate, wherever and whomever she may be. That’s not so unhealthy. And that’s why it became unmanageable. It’s easy to tell myself that looking for love is something sane people do. Trying to find my one true love isn’t unhealthy, or abnormal.

But it’s been a long and fruitless search. It’s like shopping for produce at that other produce store, where something like one in five of whatever you’re looking for is edible, which makes trying to find the very best one an interesting challenge. There are a handful of women that I would probably be compatible with. And there are a ton of crazy ones. And this whole time that I’ve been looking for a sane one, I’ve allowed myself to become insane.

I got mad at God the other day. My basic premise was that we had a deal. I would participate in an ongoing mission to help protect someone, and he actually offered in exchange to take care of my love life and career. I found myself feeling betrayed and let down because my task is an ongoing one that requires performance on a daily basis, and I felt his should as well. I felt cheated, still do, in the way that if this were a real-world contract, I would be threatening to sue for breach of contract for failure to perform.

But I forgot that agreements with God and his keeping his word falls squarely into the category of things I cannot change.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. God’s performance isn’t something I can change. Nor is the finding of my soulmate. It’s easy to get tricked by my hunter male instincts, but ultimately, it’s not something I can impact.

I still feel sad that God isn’t doing anything to help, it seems. And I would still really like to wake up beside The One. But my priority needs to be keeping my head straight, and finding my place of peace and stopping the chaos and panic of trying to control something that’s not mine to control.

Mad at God

Not that anyone asked, or particularly cares, but I’ve decided I’m pretty upset with God.  Finding my soulmate is a pretty big deal to me.  In general terms, my concentration is better, I’m happier, and more contented, when I can pour my heart out to someone that I love and care about.

I have kids.  I love them like crazy.  It’s a little hard to explain my emotional needs to them.

But this is an ongoing issue.  I’ve tried like crazy to do the right thing, to live the way I’m supposed to.  I married a good Christian girl and was faithful, only to have it taken away.

For all the people who like to suggest that “God will never give us more than we’re able to handle”: bullshit.  History, each and every day, even the Bible itself, are full of examples of people who are given more than they can handle.  Cain wasn’t evil.  He was fed up with frustration and inadequacy.  Judas was obviously given more than he could handle.  If Jesus were God, he had to have known that staying awake was more than the disciples could handle.  Thousands upon thousands of starving children die each day because they can’t handle the malnutrition.  Good, honest hard-working people end their lives every day because they’ve been given more than they can handle.

I would function so much better with my rib-woman at my side.  So why not?  Some greater plan?  I think not.  I’m trying hard to be a good father for these kids, who get no say in the matter whatsoever.  And is God looking out for their well-being by bringing me Miss Right?  Nope.  He’s going to let us shrivel on the vine, myself, and my kids downstream.

Talk about naive, I keep on running around with the notion that some part of the universe is based on merit, that those who try harder, who act with more sincerity, will see better results.

This is why people switch allegiances, or become atheists.

Not that God really cares what I do.  Not that it particularly makes a difference whether I’m mad at God or not.  My particular emotional needs are, it would seem, irrelevant.

Guess we’re on our own.

On Vulnerability

Whenever I find myself getting emotionally attached to a girl, I turn into a social cripple, and end up feeling broken.

My friend Twyla and I were just talking about it.  If I can keep things on a physical fun level, I’m fine.  I can walk up, get a phone number, and close the deal, so to speak, within a week.  I’ve learned the fine art of sending signals of attraction, and switching gears from gentleman to force of nature at just the right moment.

But put me in a situation where I’ve got a crush on a girl, and I turn into a bumbling idiot with no bearings whatsoever.

The whole time I was growing up, all through high school, and until I left the country to move to Texas, I was pudgy.  I was even pretty fat most of the time I lived in Texas, was married, and had kids.  I had no confidence, which was entirely unattractive.  The last year I was married, I lost about seventy pounds (which has since been cut down to about fifty five, but it stays there).  I began to get a bit more attention from customers and even my wife about my looks.  Working at Rent-A-Center with the associated deliveries and repossessions had grown my arms, and I was no longer the soft quiet chubby kid I’d once been.

When I was that chubby kid, I guess the part of me that wasn’t thinking so clearly thought for sure that if I could be skinnier, and more handsome, that I would become attractive to the girl I wanted to share a romance with.  I assumed that my looks were the only thing keeping me from snagging the woman of my dreams.

I guess I didn’t think that through too clearly.

My looks were keeping me from getting physically involved with women who wouldn’t like me for who I am inside.  Now, I’m free to get involved with women who like me for just having confidence and being attractive in general.

It’s ironic, or at least it feels that way, that I feel so naive around a girl I have a crush on.  I’ve been out on a drilling rig in the ocean.  I’ve moved across the country twice, once solo, once solo with kids.  I’ve bought houses, weathered a hurricane, and been married for four years.  My skin is not thin, and people who cuss me out on the phone while I’m working strike me as funny.  So it seems silly and stupid that this one thing should be able to get to me like this.

And every time things don’t click on an emotional level, I’m right back to where I started.  It seems I’m keeping that high school nerd around to help me forget how to be attractive, but only around someone I might be interested in long-term.

Adult Time

So yesterday I signed up for PortlandDads.com, a local fathers support group.  They were cool with having a not-stay-at-home dad join, which was nice of them.

But best of all, my friend Melody watched my kids so that I could go get a physical with my new health insurance, and even stayed with them long enough for me to go say hello to a girl I’ve been talking to for a few weeks now.  The girl isn’t kid-adverse, but I’ve been going stir crazy not having a spare moment to just be a grown-up.

I get the feeling like even if she’s not working overtime where we could trade childcare, that she wouldn’t charge more than I can afford.  It’s a huge weight off my mind that’s hard to describe unless you’ve been there. (And then what’s there to describe?)

Thanks, Melody.  By the way, I’ve got a box of Ritz crackers waiting for the next time you bring junior over.

My Diary

Yesterday, I was hanging out with a friend who had visited my blog for the first time.  We were discussing the purpose of blogging, how I choose what to post, and the like.  She compared it a little bit to a diary, in which one might write their most secret thoughts and feelings, with the intent of keeping them secret.

I jokingly, and with all of my standard cynicism, remarked that by putting things in her diary, she made the things she never wanted found out by anyone readily available to the very last people on Earth she might want knowing those things.  A boyfriend, her parents, or a sibling.

That’s when it occurred to me that blogging is actually the complete opposite of writing in a diary.  Blogs may include some very personal and private thoughts, but there the similarity ends.

Writing a diary is a way of putting down your thoughts and feelings in a way that guarantees that the people you want to read them least will in fact read them.  They’re conveniently located in a special book, usually something decorated, in your bedroom.  Diaries have the illusion of privacy, with none at all.

Blogging on the other hand has no such illusion.  In fact, it feeds off a certain exhibitionist tendency.  Blogging is where you make your most personal and private thoughts readily available to the entire world, and in fact, no one reads them at all.  It’s a bit like having sex in a public place, with the associated risk of getting caught.  Generally, you pick someplace that’s just a little bit out of the way, so that there’s not a guarantee of getting caught, but a certain risk is there.

Yes, there’s a risk that someone will read my blog.

And then what?  Is that so terrible, if someone gets a better understanding of what was going on in my head on a particular day?  My friends won’t judge me, and my enemies will leave interesting comments.

Next time you’re thinking about blogging or writing in a diary, remember: they’re complete opposites.

Open Letter to NOAA

http://thelaunchpad.xprize.org/2008/07/noaa-regulations.html?showComment=1217130300000#c1661668902025045433

Dear NOAA,

With all due respect, we cannot allow you to claim licensing rights to the Earth at this time. Your attempt to effectively copyright THE EARTH and subsequently license it is without merit, as a clear right of ownership cannot be established. The Earth is the birthplace and ultimate resting place of every human being who has ever lived. It is the origin and home of all known life in the Universe. You may claim an entire planet as intellectual property, argue eminent domain, or make it part of a licensing agreement. We are concerned that any credence given your claim may set a dangerous precedent. For example, one may not copyright the sky, and encrypt it with anti-piracy technology. Such a proposal could be considered grounds for filing a Deed of Trust for the entire Universe.

I have it on good authority that the NOAA is not, in fact, in title, possession, or authority with regards to The Earth. In fact, The Meek currently hold Title to The Earth, and as it is a joint ownership of real property, would be required by law to furnish the appropriate officials with documents signed by all vested parties, and/or powers of attorney.

Perhaps you can try Saturn. I hear its moons are lovely, and no one has yet laid claim to them.

But we regret to inform you that your claim of licensing rights to The Earth, the home of all humankind, is erroneous and cannot be substantiated at this time.

Warm Regards,
Eric LaBrant
Unilaterally, The Meek

TSDB vs ACLU re FOIA

Today, as I was stumbling upon the internet, I came across an interesting blurb that suggested that the Terrorist Screening Database (TSDB) had reached the grand pinnacle of over 700,000 names.  Thinking that seemed rather high for a list of the most violently anti-American characters, not to mention an awful lot of people to keep tabs on, I set out to find whether my name might be included.  Have I ever been convicted of a crime?  Nope.  But 700,000 names seems like a number more consistent with the number of folks who might vote Democrat in a key constituency, or the number of people who draw anti-Bush cartoons on the internet.  I my search, I found some interesting things.

http://www.fbi.gov/terrorinfo/counterrorism/faqs.htm

The FBI’s website clearly states that there is no way to query the database for your own name, nor is there any plan to make that information available.  So it’s free for me to look up my credit report and see if I’ve got a Mastercard, but it’s impossible to find out if it’s thought I’m a dangerous individual.

Additionally, I discovered that the number has actually swelled to well over a million.  A million terrorists?  Is there such a thing?  With years of planning, a couple of organizations have successfully launched a million-man march on Washington, but a million terrorists?  That seems even more in line with the number of folks who might vote Democrat in certain Florida counties, plus an Osama bin Laden or two to make the list respectable.

In fact, one popular common denominator seems to be those who have been associated with the ACLU for whatever reason.  The ACLU’s biggest problem seems to be not buying the party line, not falling into step, which has been an ongoing problem for the Bush Jr presidency.

So I’d like to be one of the first to voluntarily sign up to be added to the Terrorism Screening Database as a non-violent person, by sending this message to the ACLU.

Please lend me your legal expertise in helping to dispel in court the ridiculous notion that a list of over a million names could have any bearing upon terrorism, by filing a Freedom of Information Act requesting the contents of the list itself.  Additionally, please lend your lobbying expertise in convincing legislators to require a free dispute and removal process, whereby (like a credit report) an individual may prove his or her innocence, having been presumed guilty.

America does not need a list of political prisoners floating around unchecked.  I’ll not wait to see if my name is checked off as I enter a concentration camp.

Patience

So a few weeks ago, I asked out the girl at the video rental store, who’s VERY cute.

Her response was basically “Yes, as soon as I break up with my boyfriend who I was on the outs with anyhow.”

A few weeks later, she’s expressed her interest pretty unambiguously, but still isn’t broken up yet.

Ever want what you can’t have?  This is frustrating, yet exciting.  *sigh*

Survival

My ex-wife called me today to talk to the children, who she hasn’t seen in almost 18 months, and to tell me that her terminal illness is no longer in remission.  There’s no telling the likelihood of another remission, nor any indication of how much time she has left.  She was in remission when she met me.  She was in remission when she had our children.  And she was still in remission when she left to do… whatever it was that seemed like such a good idea at the time.

A bit shocked and at a loss for how to respond to such a revelation, I told her I was sorry to hear that, put her on the phone with the kids, and began to think and overanalyze the way I’m prone to do with anything of great weight or import.

It would seem that this posed an excellent opportunity to reevaluate my priorities and goals for life.

But then… doesn’t waking up in the morning pose an excellent opportunity to reexamine why you’re doing the things you’re doing with your life?  I mean, is it really necessary to have someone professionally trained telling you that you’re going to die in order to figure out what you want to do?

I later pointed out to her that it’s far more likely that she’ll die first in a car wreck on her way to work.  And I recommended that she watch Bucket List and Shawshank Redemption.  I haven’t pointed out to her that the happy parts of each movie required Morgan Freeman to find someone with a lot of money in order to live his dream.

But how am I going to tell my kids that they won’t even get to talk to their mother on the phone anymore?

With All Due Respect

http://loader.gadgetzone.com.au/Movies/July-2008/20-things-that-Windows-7-MUST-include.aspx?Page=1

Gadget Zone has a wonderful writeup on what sorts of things Windows 7 truly ought to include.  He hits some wonderful high points, and the article is well written, which is truly refreshing in the world of modern hardware reviews.  These days, it seems to take six pages to say “Card X is basically faster, but only half the price of Card Y.”

So in the spirit of a true Bertrand Russell wannabe, I’m going to comment.

After all, not only is there an elephant in the room when it comes to features Windows 7 should have, there are several.  A treatise on minor annoyances like standards-compliant web browsing brings the Titanic’s deck chairs to mind.  I’d like to volunteer a few suggestions for features for the upcoming Windows 7 in a spirit of true sarcasm and disgust.  Not for you, Mr. Casissi, but for the hypothetical operating system that shall one day be foisted upon us all.

Yes, foisted upon us all — http://www.networkworld.com/community/node/29644?ts

Reasonable Hardware Requirements.  Windows 7 should be available to function smoothly and comfortably within the confines of a gigabyte or less of RAM, a 32-bit processor, and a hard drive small enough that it can’t contain every work of literature ever produced by the human race.  Windows Vista finds this challenging, but these are the sorts of things that will quickly alienate Linux users everywhere.

Lack of Virus Support.  Linux has exploits.  There was one discovered recently surrounding DNS.  Linux is vulnerable to DOS attacks.  What Linux does not include is backward compatibility for every virus ever invented.  It’s been a couple of weeks since the DNS exploit has cropped up, and the Linux developer community is on it like a pack of rabid dogs smelling blood followed by a gaggle of angry Klingons sensing a slight against their honor.  Someone just unveiled a processor-level exploit in modern x86 hardware that doesn’t care about the OS.  And I’m certain Linux will be the first platform with a fix.  Which segues nicely into my next suggestion.

Open-source TCP/IP Stack and NIC Drivers.  Open-source Javascripting.  Why are Linux developers around the world feverishly chasing an obscure exploit?  Purity and security.  The exploit is a rare breed, and they hope to keep it extinct.  With the huge preponderance of attacks being internet-based, a simple switch to open source would cut off the primary vector of infection and Windows Security issues.  There is a fleet of Windows developers trolling about on MSDN who would no doubt love to contribute to the Windows Security effort.  If that were possible.

Ground Level Rewrite.  Windows is so crufty these days, it’s insane.  Is it really necessary for the average user to have tape drive drivers installed on their hard drive?  Does a typical computer these days have a pressing need for ISA support, or a PC speaker device listing?  Or mountains of C?  Microsoft should, by necessity, be leading the race in developer toolkits and IDE’s, just to manage their huge mountains of code.  You could hide the entire Bible three times over without being noticed.  The only reason they’re not leading the pack for making life easy on coders is their overwhelming chore of managing what they’ve already got.  It’s exorbitant at this point to do something truly innovative with Windows, like trying to make a u-turn in a train.

Global Driver Repository.  A fresh installation of Windows already reboots something like six times on average before actually getting to a desktop screen, whereafter the user may begin installing their own useful software and rebooting volutarily another six or thirty times.  So what does Windows actually need to have available?  Basic storage drivers and a mind-blowing list of NIC drivers.  It needs to be able to interact on some level, even a basic one, with the target drive.  Thereafter, with an internet connection and a global driver repository, it can use hardware ID’s to upgrade to its heart’s content.  Linux is already evolving in this direction, because it’s the next logical step.

Faster, Smaller Software.  I downloaded OpenOffice the other day, and it was a little over 100mb.  Office doesn’t even fit on a single CD anymore.  Irfanview has yet to top a half megabyte, in the age of terabyte hard drives and gigabit ethernet and petaflop supercomputers, and easily outperforms every image utility released with Windows since its inception, in terms of size, usability, features, and speed.  And it’s free.  Firefox is up to 17.2M for its Macintosh version, the largest of all.  The download for Internet Explorer 7 is 14.2M on its home platform, Windows on x86.  But don’t be fooled.  Even though it’s only 2M bigger, it’s because that’s to install the installer.  Microsoft won’t release a redistributable installation package.  The last full redistributable was version 6.0 at 76.7M.

User Mode.  For something like a Windows XP virtual machine or DOS-mode software support, libraries need to be called, and a compatibility layer enabled.  Temporarily.  For that program.  And highly optimized.  The notion of leaving DOS support available for the operating system, or a Windows XP virtual machine, is ridiculous, like installing a kernel module in Linux to enable direct execution of Win32 binaries.  Any backwards compatibility, emulation, or cross-platform support should be strictly in user mode for the sake of security and stability.  Want to know Windows’ dirty little secret?  To date, the entire system slows to a crawl to accommodate kernel-mode network and sound drivers.  Try running applications on a fresh install before NIC and sound are installed.  It’s fast, like driving a stick of butter across hot teflon.  Run these drivers in user mode, and aside from a huge security boost, you get your system back ala country music.

Scriptable Window Manager.  This one thing alone costs me 12 minutes a day at work.  And that’s after I’ve scripted as much as I possibly can.  I have to cram four roughly 800×600 windows into one desktop such that all are mostly visible at one time, and each morning an entire series of windows have to be resized and moved.

Stability.  Many complain about the amount of time required to go from POST (Power On Self Test) to a usable Windows Desktop.  But stability would eliminate the need for a speedy boot or reboot, as would limiting the number of processes and files that could precipitate a system restart.  Most users wouldn’t mind a full ten minute startup if it were only necessary once every six months.

The current state of the art isn’t terribly artistic.  When words like “bloated” and “monolithic” are thrown around as buzzwords, the classic corporate pitfall of huge failures mitigated by mountains of liquidity become obvious.  Microsoft once stumbled upon a goldmine, but they’ve elected to not evolve and create a leaner meaner product, choosing instead to grapple with an enormous body of work by way of minor tweaks, patches, fixes, and upgrades.

Windows 7 needs, more than anything, a fundamental change of philosophy.